Red Burtts Storys

This little story starts on a trip that my wife, my oldest daughter, and I recently made to Mid-Coast Bath Maine this week to settle some personal affairs.

At 8:30 AM I called the Motel and made reservations for two rooms, I stressed the fact that there was a certain area of the motel that I did not want to stay in, this area happens to be directly beside the very busy Rte 1 that runs all the way from Florida to Canada. My reason for this request, as I stated to the motel clerk was simply “NOISE”.
I explained to him that I had stayed there a few weeks earlier and was given a room directly beside the highway; I told him that each time a truck or a “Harley Davidson” motorcycle passed the motel it sounded as though there was a Helicopter directly under my bed.
The clerk was very polite, “yes Mr. Burtt” “no Mr. Burtt” I kept it up, “I do not want a room near the highway, “yes Mr. Burtt” “I understand Mr. Burtt”, “your all set Mr. Burtt”. (Bastard)

Check In:
Well here we are, “Check in time”, the little dark cloud that follows me around was starting to kick in,
my daughter went into the lobby to get our room keys, my wife was in the back seat muttering to herself and making funny noises. I was looking out the window at a women that had hair all over her body trying to put a backpack over her head, she had a young boy with her that looked like he was sound asleep, “standing up”, I said to my wife, “look at that” my wife grunted then resumed her muttering, the women finally got the backpack on, it was way up around her neck, this human Ape was actually wearing a “mini skirt”, then it happened, Jesus H Christ, she bent over to get something out of the trunk of her car, her backside was facing us, this was the most horrible sight I have ever seen, I again said to my wife, louder this time, “Dear God, look at that” then I screamed, “FOR CHRISTS SAKE, LOOK WILL YOU, LOOK AT THAT THING” this women’s Ass had hair hanging down from it, she was wearing “Bikini Underwear”.

The women finally got her bag out of the car and shut the trunk, she then turned and looked at the boy who seemed to be in a Coma, then, for no reason at all she smashed this kid on the side of his head, he stumbled for about five feet, sideways then just stared at her, she walloped this kid so hard that if it was me she hit she would have knocked me unconscious. She then waddled off headed for the lobby, the “Coma Kid” just tagged along behind her. I can’t imagine being alone in a motel room with a “thing” like that, I felt sorry for the kid, she probably hit him in the head so many times in his life that he now can “sleep standing up”. Wherever I go I run into these “weird people”, my wife says that my Genes have something in them that attracts “Strange People”, she claims I am one of them.

Well here we sit, the cloud over my head is getting darker, my good leg starts to tremble, I start sneezing, I can sense the trouble coming, I now know I am in for a rough night.
My daughter has been checking us in for almost a half hour, I can check into a motel in ten minutes, the desk clerk probably glanced out the window and saw me, then a little voice in his head said “make him wait, we hate him”. I have to go to the bathroom, and I’m hungry. Finally I see my daughter coming out, thank God.

Here is a little example of “My Destiny” if I decided to go into business for myself and opened a Funeral Parlor, nobody would die until I sold the Funeral Parlor or until “I Died”.

My daughter is now back in the car, the first thing I say is, “did you tell them I asked for a room out back” my daughter said “she did”, I said, “good, where is it” she said, “drive around that way” OH JESUS CHRIST, we are headed toward the highway, I asked, “what is the room number” she said “room 121”, I looked at the little map they give you showing each rooms location and how to get there, I cleaned my glasses and then looked again, I started to tremble but still didn’t say anything, but I knew, yes by God I knew.

We reached the door we were supposed to enter, I calmly told my daughter to take the key to my room then enter the room and walk over to the window, open the drapes and wave, she said, “who will I wave at”? I said, “Just wave, I will be standing beside my car with my “arm crutch” I then started to hyperventilate. My wife said nothing, she is now used to these things that happen to me.
I stepped out of my car and went to the back with my crutch; I leaned up against the trunk and closely watched the one window that I suspected my daughter would be entering, my eyes started to water, my spleen was throbbing, I knew what was coming.

Jesus H Christ almighty God, the drape opened, my daughter smiled and waved, the blood drained from my head, my bowels were becoming numb, I waved to my daughter, I crawled back into the car, my wife said “I want to go swimming and I’m hungry”, I said nothing, my daughter returned and entered the car, she looked at me and then I said “these filthy vermin worm infested scum bag slime bastards gave me the SAME son-of-a-bitching room that caused all the trouble in the first place, this is the room that is only 3 feet from Interstate Route 1.

We returned to the check in area, my daughter went back in to change rooms, it is now getting dark, my wife is sitting in the backseat holding her bathing suit and talking to herself, I stare out the window thinking about the "hair" women’s bikini, I then say to my wife, “I bet that women will kill that kid tonight” my wife replied “I want to go swimming”

Well we finally get to our “new room” it is a good one, I can’t hear the traffic, I think to myself, “I wonder if it is possible that anything else will happen to me” I am very tired and hungry, I turn the TV on to the nightly news, there is a young women on there with her skirt pulled up around her head, she has a big grin on her face and she is telling us about a women out in “Whacko Land” (Calif) that cut her mothers head off and gave it to her dog, she said the dog was seen running through a school yard with the head then another dog grabbed it and ran into a McDonalds restaurant where a Priest grabbed the dog and then called the police. The Priest “Blessed” the head.

My wife grabbed a card key and headed for the Pool, I lay back on the bed, I removed my shoes, I sighed, it was wonderful, then, a knock on my door, “shit”, I put my shoes on grabbed my crutch and limped over to the door, it was my daughter, she said, “did I leave my card key in here” I said “I don’t know, they all look alike” there was a card key on the table, “I said is that it” she said “I don’t know” I said “go try it”.

I didn’t want to lie down again because it might not be her key and I would have to get up again to let her in again, “Jesus H. Christ”.
I sat in a chair for about twenty minutes, my daughter didn’t return, I thought, “it must have been the right key”, well I think it’s safe to lie down again, I just get comfortable, my eyes start to close, then, there is a knock on my door, “dear God”, I get up again, grab my crutch and limp to the door, I look out the little peephole, my wife is standing there in her wet bathing suit holding her little card key, I open the door and calmly say “what in the name of Jesus H Christ are you knocking on the door for” I then quietly say “your holding your son of a bitching key, why don’t you use it, why are you tormenting me, you know I have a disability”, she stares at me and says, “you stupid bastard it won’t work”, well I thought “here we go” just when I thought everything was under control we can’t open our damn hotel doors. My wife goes into the bathroom to take her bathing suit off, I take my shoes off again, I sit on the bed, I notice that all the veins on my right foot are puffing up, then there is another knock on the door, it’s my daughter, she says “Dad, I just went down to the car, I forgot to take my key now I can’t get back into my room”, I knew it, I put my shoes back on.

I told them both to wait a minute, I had just urinated a little bit in my pants, I limped into the bathroom then returned with a solution that I hoped would allow us to enter and leave our rooms without calling the Fire Department.

We now had three Keys in my room, the fourth key was in my daughters room, I took all three keys, I said to my wife, “go sit down” she did, I said to my daughter, follow me, she did. I limped to my daughter’s room and started to insert keys, finally the door opened, I told my daughter to get the other key that was in her room and follow me, she did.

I limped and my daughter walked normally back to my room, I told them both to sit down, they did, I then took all four keys, I went out into the hallway and shut the door, I then started inserting card keys, when I had the two keys that opened my door I put them in my pocket, I then gave the other two keys to my daughter, I said “these are yours” she went back to her room, my wife said, “where’s our keys” I said “in my pocket” she said “what if I have to go out”, I said “where the hell are you going” she said “I might have to go out” I said, “why, where the hell would you go” she said “out”. That was it, you can’t argue with people like my wife, I gave her a key, then I said to myself, “if she went out, where the hell would she go” she doesn’t know anyone in Bath Maine.

I was sleeping like a log, it was so nice and quiet that you could hear a pin drop, God was finally giving me a break, my wife was sound asleep and she was quiet as a mouse, usually she snores so loud the bed “shakes”.
I closed my eyes, I was smiling, I was thinking of pretty young girls with no clothes on running and laughing through a field of beautiful raspberry bushes and wild flowers, THEN IT HAPPENED, a loud scream, it was so loud it seemed to be coming from my bathroom, then a bellowing voice that said “YOU DIRTY LITTLE BASTARD”, then another scream, then silence.

Now I was up, wide awake, I was standing naked in the middle of the room with my crutches, I was shaking and sweating, I urinated again, on the floor, complete silence, I was afraid to go into the bathroom, the scream seemed to come from there.

Off in the distance I could hear Sirens, then flashing blue and red lights lit up my room, I hobbled over to the window, Wow, police cars, an ambulance and two fire trucks were right outside, then I saw it, I should have known, six Police officers were dragging the "hairy ape women" out of the Motel, I noticed her back, they had “Four” pairs of handcuffs on her, she was wearing a silk bathrobe that looked big enough to be a parachute, on the back was printed the words “Shit Happens”.
I opened my window, this was getting interesting, the first thing I heard was this women snarling and spitting, then one of the Cops remarked to another Officer, “we will have to rent a crane to get this hairy bitch into the wagon” the other Cop laughed and replied, "yea or somebody from the zoo"

A few moments later the Medics and a Cop came out, the kid that the "Ape Women" was slapping around was with them, he had a lolipop and a stuffed Teddy Bear he was watching the Cops load the "Hairy Monster" into the wagon and he was smiling, then he gave the women "the finger".

Off they went, the siren faded off in the distance, beautiful silence again, I got back into bed, I said a short prayer for the kid and started to “drift off”, then it started, first a slow muffled rumbling, then a wheeze, then, it hit, there was a freight train going right through our room, the bed was shaking, my blanket was going up and down, the lamp fell of the bed table, I started crying .
My wife was snoring.

Dawn was breaking, my feet were numb and cold, my left eye was twitching, another day was beginning, I looked upwards towards heaven and said, “dear God, what the hell are you going to do to me today.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

Author: Red Burtt