Red Burtts Storys

Everybody has a grandmother, but I had the best one. Many people never knew their grandmothers; but I did, for nineteen years.

Everybody thinks their grandmother is the best one, and that is good. They are “special people”.

“They wear glasses and they can take their teeth and gums off and put them in a glass of water at night”

“They don’t have to be smart – only answer questions like, why dogs chase cats or how come God isn’t married.

“Everybody should try to have one, especially if you don’t have television”

“Grandmothers don’t have to do anything except to be there. They’re old, so they shouldn’t play hard or run”.

“Grandmothers are the only grownups who have any time for children.”

Whenever I think of “Nana” as I called her, I think of fresh homemade doughnuts, frying bacon, “ocean air” blowing through the open windows, an old wooden screen door slamming, reading by a kerosene lantern, an outhouse with a “Sears & Roebuck” catalog and a big spider web up in the corner to watch as you sit there. I am reminded of dirt roads, blueberry fields, digging clams, baiting a lobster trap, then returning the next day to the excitement of pulling the trap out of the water to see four or five big fresh lobsters and a crab or two.

My grandmother’s name was, Philena (Tarbox) Kehail, she was born in 1864 on Westport Island Maine. Westport Island is located in “Mid Coast Maine” just off Wiscasset and the Sheepscot River. In my grandmother’s time Westport Island was a fishing community, most all worked at sea. She was twenty-five years younger than my grandfather, my grandfather passed away long before I was born. His name was Arthur Kehail, he was a sea captain sailing “Three Masted Schooners” all over the world, but mostly to the Orient. He had his captains’ papers when he was nineteen years of age and as a young teenager was sailing on fishing vessels out of Wiscasset and Bath Maine to Georges Banks, Nova Scotia and the coast of Newfoundland. My grandmother learned many things about the sea from her husband, and also her two older brothers who also were deep-water fishermen and the fact that she lived on an Island surrounded by the ocean for eighty-eight years.

The things she knew she tried to pass on to me, “I hung around with my grandmother” she taught me things like the tides, the shore and all the creatures that lived in and around the tide pools, sea gulls dropping their clams from high in the air onto the rocks below to break the shells, how to lift up seaweed at low tide to look for baby crabs. She told me that the water is warmer for swimming when the tide is “coming in” over the hot sand. She taught me how to row a large dory when I was ten years old; she showed me how to head the boat at the right angle into the waves and swells in rough weather. She taught me how to bait lobster traps, she told me what to do if I should ever be caught “off shore” in heavy fog (which did happen to me, I will explain later) she taught me how to tie knots for mooring boats, how to “calk” our big wooden skiff each spring to stop any leaks that it might have after being laid up all winter on shore. These may not seem like “big deals” today but back in the “Thirties” to a city kid these things were far more interesting and far more fun than to sit in a stuffy schoolroom listening to a teacher ramble on about the Pyramids in Egypt.

Fish were plentiful back in the nineteen thirties, we had all the Cod, Haddock, Flounders, Lobsters and Crab we could use. She taught me how to fish, how to let my line hit bottom, then raise it a few feet and wait for something to hit it, mostly Cod and Haddock, but sometimes, a “SURPRISE”.

I was around twelve years old and out fishing with Nana for our supper one summer afternoon, suddenly there was a very heavy tug on my line, I yelled, “I got a big one”, to anybody that has ever fished the ocean with a “hand line” there is always excitement no matter how many times you have done it when you get that “big bite”. I started pulling and pulling, hand over hand, “Nana” told me to take my time, I still had a long way to go as I had let the hook and sinker drop until it hit bottom, now it was a long way up. I was a skinny kid with small hands and the line was starting to hurt as I kept pulling.
There were times, when salt water fishing, that you were forced to “cut the line” if you had snagged some unseen object so “Nana” told me to stop pulling for a minute to “feel” for any action on the other end of the line. I was glad to stop “pulling” for a few seconds, my hands were really starting to hurt, as soon as I stopped I felt the creature on the other end of the line franticly struggling, tugging and thrashing from side to side.
I was now so excited I almost fell out of the boat, this was no haddock. After what seemed like hours I was finally able to see my line going from side to side caused by whatever I had hooked trying desperately to escape back to the bottom.
Every young boy has sometime wondered what “monsters” may lurk in the depths of the ocean, well, what I saw coming up from the darkness of the water nearly made me scream. Nana just kept saying, “pull, pull”, but Nana was sitting in the bow, I was in the stern, Nana couldn’t see what I saw.
Each pull I made caused this things face to come up out of the dark waters, closer and closer. Now I was getting scared. As it got closer to the boat I was bent over the side looking down at it, and this “thing” was looking straight into my eyes, it was staring right through me. God it was ugly, a “movie nightmare” come true.
There was no way I was going to pull this horrible looking creature into this boat with me. I screamed for Nana, “she would save me”. She looked down into the water and laughed. I had caught what she said was one of the biggest “Monk Fishes” she had ever seen. This fish had a face that looked just like a cross between a large monkey and a human being.
I will remember the face on this fish until the day I die. And I still say this fish was looking right into my eyes with some kind of intelligence. The look it was giving me was almost human. (I will remember you).
We didn’t bring it into the boat, it was big and quite heavy, Nana got the hook out of its mouth and it slowly swam down into the darkness. I have never seen another “Monk Fish”. They now sell them in the supermarkets. I would never eat one.


Being married to a Sea Captain during the eighteen hundreds meant long periods of time apart, usually around two years. There is a two-year difference in the ages of my Mother and all of her sisters, as each daughter was born, my Grandmother would plant an apple tree in back of her house. Those apple trees stand there today (2004), “five of them”.

Everybody thinks their Grandmother was a great cook, but my Grandmother was the best. She cooked on a “Black Cast Iron, Wood Stove With A Hot water Tank Attached To The Side, no electricity, no oil, no running water,
(I always said they had running water, because I had to run out to the well and get it). When she cooked, she cooked all day, rolling her own dough, making her own pies, doughnuts, bread, muffins, and biscuits. Much of our food came from the sea, she has made seafood dishes that I can only experience in my mind, I nor anyone else will ever enjoy them again. They are lost forever, she never wrote a thing down, her cooking came from the things she learned as a young girl and the long hours she spent at the wood stove. On top of all this she maintained a garden with all the fresh vegetables, some of which she would preserve for the winter months when we were cold and hungry back in Cambridge.

My Grandmother loved the State Of Maine, especially the coast. As she grew older she spent less time on the Island in the cold weather, living on the Island in the winter meant, snow, ice, sawing and lugging wood, the only heat came from the kitchen wood stove and the dinning room wood stove. As there was no electricity or running water on the Island it was a very simple thing to shut down the house for the freezing months to come, you simply walked out and closed the door. There was no need in those days to even lock the door. (My mother always worried about her piano in the living room and what the cold weather would do to it, but it kept its tune long after my mother had passed on).

“Nana” and two of my aunts shared an apartment on Putnam Avenue in Cambridge Mass and this is where she would live for the winter months, “Oct thru April”. My parents couldn’t make the trip to the Island until June, as they had to wait until school closed, then, the very next day after school closing my father would drive my mother and myself up to Maine. There were a few times that my Grandmother would wait until June to make the trip to Maine. If she wanted to leave in the early spring she would take a train out of the North Station in Boston and get off in Wiscasset where a friend would be waiting to drive her to the Island. They would make the crossing of the Sheepscot River on a small four-car ferry that was pushed by an old “one-lunger” lobster boat.

I remember one of the few times that she took the trip with us in June. She had a habit of telling us the name of each town as we passed through; she had been waiting all winter to get back to her home, her kitchen, her woodstove, her beach and her outhouse. As we drove along she would suddenly say, “we’re in Newburyport now”, then a while later, “we’re in Portsmouth now” she would do this all the way up the coast.
Today when you leave New Hampshire on “Route 95” and enter the State Of Maine, you travel over The Piscataqua River from Portsmouth NH into Kittery Maine via a very large modern day bridge that has been built high enough to accommodate any large ship that may have to pass under it.
Back in the nineteen twenties and thirties the crossing was made on a much smaller drawbridge located about two miles down river in an easterly direction, this bridge was part of the old “Route One”.
It has been determined that the NH, Maine borderline is the middle of the Piscataqua River. When crossing this bridge on our trip to Westport, Nana would wait until she thought our car was exactly in the middle of the bridge, and then she would say, “Well, we’re in Maine now”. She had been waiting all winter for this.
Before my retirement I was a truck driver and working a night shift for my company. My work took me many times to Kittery Maine. At two or three in the morning there was very little traffic traveling over the “Piscataqua Bridge” and as I approached the middle of the bridge I would look off to my right as I entered Maine, there are two other bridges, the furthest one down is the old route one “draw bridge” that we used to cross some sixty odd years before. I would look down there and say out loud to myself, “well, we’re in Maine now”.
With the Diesel engine in my truck roaring and looking at all the little lights and gadgets that are in today’s modern vehicles, I could still picture that little old lady sitting in the back seat of my fathers beat up old 1928 ford as though it was yesterday.
If you are related to me and should happen to travel to Maine someday, you undoubtedly will have to cross the “Piscataqua Bridge”, when you reach the middle, look off to the right and say out loud, “well, we’re in Maine now” if you feel a little shiver or a goose bump, you will know that “somewhere up in Heaven" there is a little old lady that heard you, and she is smiling.

When I was around thirteen my grandmother started to let me take the boat out alone to row around the cove and up the creek that ran into the Island. She was satisfied that I would do as she had taught me and that I would not do anything foolish or dangerous. My mother was another story, Nana and I both loved the water, my Mother feared it, she always thought of the dangers, and whenever I went out in the boat alone she thought she would never see me again, her fears I suppose were well founded.
Our end of the Island at that time was very remote, there was only one other person and she lived about a half mile up the road, her name was Gladys Hodgdon, she had been friends with my family since she was a child. The nearest people to our place lived about six miles up the Island. We would go days without seeing a car go by. If I had an accident out in that boat, it would be the end of me. But when your thirteen you don’t think of those things. I used to like to lie down in the boat and look up the clouds, I did this one day and my mother looked out of the upstairs window and thought I had fallen out of the boat. If we had “911” in those days my Mother would have had every Emergency Vehicle in the State Of Maine parked in our front yard, she spent the whole summer laying the law down over that. But during the winter when she spoke of it she would shake her head and smile. (I don’t think I would lay down in a boat today).
There is a small Island that lies just outside of our cove (Long Cove) and right off the tip of “Kehail Point”. This Island is about one hundred feet long and about twenty-five feet in width. Nana would sometimes take me out there to look for “Seagull Nests”. The name of this little piece of land is “Mark Island”.

I mentioned earlier in this story that Nana had told me what to do if ever I should be “fogged in” when I was out alone in the boat, well today was the day. It was a nice warm day, but cloudy, the water was calm with no wind. It was high tide and I wanted to go out in the boat, Nana OK’d it, she was the boss, my Mother put up a little fuss but it was two against one. I had to tell Nana exactly where I would be going, that calmed my Mother down a little. I told Nana that I would row out to Mark Island, stay a short while then row back in.
I reached the Island and tied up the boat on the rocks then climbed up to my “sitting spot”. I used to like coming out here and just sit and look out to sea and daydream. It was perfectly still, the only thing you could hear was a Sea Gull screeching and a “Bell Buoy” far off across the Sheepscot River. I loved this little Island, whenever I visit Westport I slow the car down when I come to the curve in the road where Mark Island is visible and take a long look at it. I haven’t been on that little Island since 1939, and I probably never will again.
Well I had been gone from the house long enough, my mother would be up in the second floor bedroom looking down into the cove and having a stroke if she couldn’t see me rowing in.

Fog can come up out of nowhere on the coast, I had no sooner pushed off from shore and started rowing when suddenly I couldn’t see the bow of my own boat. Nana had told me never to get excited, and never jump around in the boat (you may fall out) if you had an emergency.
Heavy fog was a normal occurrence when you lived right on the water, Nana knew this and it was one of the first things she taught me about the water. She said, “when you are lost in the fog and you are close to shore, don’t try to row where you “think” the land is, you could very well be rowing out to sea”. She told me to calmly go to the bow of the boat and throw the anchor overboard and wait.

As I sat there in the fog I knew they would be doing something, my mother would be in hysterics, and my grandmother would be paying no attention to her whatsoever. So I just sat and listened to the “bell buoy” off in the distance.
We had a horn in our house that Nana used when she wanted to call us for lunch if we should be down on the beach or somewhere else away from the house. This was a very large horn that sounded like a “steamship whistle” with a very deep, penetrating tone. It wasn’t long before I heard “Nana on the horn”; I wasn’t very far off shore so I shouted out to her and she told me to row in the direction of the horn. She would sound the horn every few minutes and it wasn’t long before I could see the rocky shoreline emerging through the dense fog. Now, all I had to do was follow the shoreline back to our beach.
We returned to the house, my mother said she was going to put a hole in the boat so I could never use it again, Nana was laughing, I went into the living room and tried to play the Piano until things died down. I was happy; I knew Nana would be cooking something good up to eat in a while.

Today as I write this, it is the year 2004. That horn remains in the attic of our house on Westport today. My aunt and her husband are now living there, she is 97 years of age, and he is 87. I hope I live long enough to someday take that horn out in the yard and blow it; I would love to hear that sound again. (Little things like this stay in a young boy’s mind).

September 1939, I didn’t realize it but this would be the last time that I would have one of these wonderful summers on Westport Island with my Nana, my aunt Eliza (Lydie) and my Mother.

In 1944 near the end of WWII and shortly before her death, I went to work on a Sea Going Tug Boat out of Boston Harbor. We were tying up to a barge one day and the captain walked up to me and asked,” where did you learn to tie that knot” I said, “my grandmother taught me” then I realized how silly that sounded but after he heard the story of my grandfather and where my grandmother came from he understood. I loved this job.
We would have some time to ourselves when we were “under way” and I would go up into the Bow of the tug when we were out of sight of land and look out to sea and imagine my Grandfather passing through these same waters many, many years before on his way to China or some other far off port in the Pacific. I love the sea, my wife and I have crossed the Gulf Of Maine many times on board the “Scotia Prince” on our trips to Nova Scotia, before going to our cabin late at night I would go out on deck, even during a “rain and wind” storm and stand at the railing, look out into the darkness and listen to the ship cutting through the water, again thinking of my Grandfather sailing these same waters on his way to Newfoundland as a young teen age boy.
My bad leg kept me out of the War, but if things were different, and I was fit for service, I would have headed straight into the US Navy or the Coast Guard.

In the summer of 1945 WWII was all but over, my mother passed away in 1941 just before the war started. I was nineteen years old now and spending the summer up in Hampton Beach NH. Four of us from our neighborhood went up to Hampton and went to work part time in the Casino and a hot dog stand. My aunt had married, she and her husband purchased a home in Braintree Mass and moved from Cambridge. They took Nana with them. Nana was almost ninety now, it broke her heart that she couldn’t go to her beloved Westport Island anymore, it was another tragedy in her life that she bottled up and faced alone, she never complained or whined, she was the type of person that if she had to cry she would go into a closet where nobody could see her.
During her lifetime she lost her husband, and three of her daughters, now she knew that she would never see the Ocean, her little home, her gardens, the blueberry fields and all the other things that made up the world that she had known and loved since she was a child. She was now, just living with her memories.

As I said, in the summer of 1945 myself and three of my friends were working two or three days a week in Hampton Beach and spending most of our time just “beach bumming”. In those days, right beside the old “Hampton Bandstand” the “Chamber Of Commerce” had a building, there were two loud speakers mounted on the roof for public announcements. During the day they would announce upcoming events or public messages. I happened to be in the “Casino Building” when one of my friends found me and told me that my name had just come over the loud speakers and that I was to report to the Chamber Of Commerce building.
I had a telegram, my Father always called my grandmother, “Mother”, the telegram said, “come home as soon as possible, Mother is sinking”. I took a bus up to Hampton Center (route one) then hitchhiked back to Cambridge, I didn’t have the money for bus fare. We hitched rides everywhere in those days. Those were much safer days in America then they are today.
My father and myself went to my aunt’s house in Braintree early the next morning. Nana was in bed, she looked very old and tired, when I went into the room she looked at me with a big smile, she was probably thinking of all the tricks I used to play on her and of all our fishing trips together. She was peaceful, but I know she realized this was the end.
Nana went to sleep that night and never woke up. It was summertime 1945; the blueberries on Westport were starting to ripen, Nana’s little house was empty that summer, our boat lay on dry ground, unused. (Some of the best summers of my life had come and gone).

Forty years later in 1985 I had to go to Mt Auburn St in Cambridge Mass for a company related physical. The small medical building that I was in is located almost directly across the street from the “Mt Auburn Cemetery”. After I was through with my physical it was almost lunch time, I bought a sandwich to go and a Coke and decided to have lunch with my “relatives”, my mother, father, two of my aunts and of course, “My Nana”, they are all buried in “Mt Auburn”.
My family’s plots are all on “Pansy Path”; there are stone benches to sit on up where the family graves are. I sat down and had my lunch; it is hard to believe that there is such a quiet and peaceful place in the middle of a busy city. After eating and enjoying the silence and beauty of this place, I walked to each of the graves. Nana is there, with three of her children. Memories of these people went through my head for a few moments, I looked around to make sure no one was listening (I talk to grave stones) and I told them we now have electric stoves, cars that go one hundred and fifty miles per hour, I told them we watch movies right in our houses and I told Nana that “there are no more Haddocks to be caught off Mark Island”. I then got into my car and drove off. I haven’t been back since. I don’t need a cemetery, I just close my eyes and go back, everything is in my head.

(The Mt Auburn Cemetery Is One Of The Most Beautiful In The World). “Visit it sometime”, go to Pansy Path, and look for “Kehail and Burtt”. (Philena Kehail is NANA)
~
Next month my wife and I are going to drive over to “Westport Island” to visit with my aunt and her husband. I will stop at the curve and look out to “Mark Island”, I will take my cane and walk down to “Our Beach” I will walk around the little house that I spent all those happy summers in. I will walk out to the spot where the old “outhouse” used to stand. I will visit the “Well” where I used to draw water for Nana early in the morning. (it is still there) Then I will go out and sit in the yard, close my eyes and listen to the “Sea Gulls”, they still sound the same. Cars now drive by the house but I pay no attention to them. They are not part of the memory; they weren’t there when I was a boy.

This house and property will someday come to me, or if I go before my aunt, to my family. If I am not here, I would like one of my sons or daughters to climb up into the attic, find that horn, walk down to the shore and give it one big blast. “I will hear it” (so will everybody else on the Island)

If your Grandmother is still around, listen to her, you may be surprised at what she knows.
Give her a hug and a kiss now and then; someday when she is gone, you will be glad you did.
Remember, there is nothing like a Grandmother, especially if you don’t have television.
They are wonderful people.

Author: Red Burtt

Is your cat smarter than you are:

Cats are very strange and mysterious creatures; they were buried with the Kings and Queens of ancient Egypt because it was believed that they were directly linked to the Gods.
Ours was such a cat. Blackie was eight years old when we started to let her into our home. She was what some call a “Halloween Cat”, completely black in color with yellow eyes. She had lived on our property wintering in the large barn and in the good weather spending all her time in the woods. (That is, until she adopted us)

During the summer months, my wife would walk up the hill behind our house and sit in a large lawn chair that had been placed near the tree line of the several hundred acres of forest that lay beyond.
We had deer, moose, coyotes, fox and many other wild animals that we would often see living in these woods.
This is where Blackie lived, she had gone wild. (Cats that have done this are known as “Feral Cats”)
As my wife would settle down to read, this little shiny black cat with yellow eyes would suddenly appear as if out of nowhere and sit exactly on the line that separated our lawn from the woods. Blackie liked to talk, as soon as my wife would glance her way she would chirp, but would come no closer than the tree line.
This little game went on for several weeks, I told my wife one day to move her chair a little closer to the trees where Blackie would sit.

As each day wore on, she would come a little closer to my wife’s chair until she finally would let my wife put her hand on her, but only for a few seconds. This had to be done very slowly as any sudden movement on my wife’s part would cause Blackie to dash into the woods and not be seen for the rest of the day.

This routine went on for one whole summer until finally one day after letting my wife scratch behind her ears, she jumped up on the chair and settled in my wife’s lap.

I wanted each step of this “seduction” to be done on her terms, I didn’t want my wife to just pick her up and force her into anything , we had plenty of time.

Now a whole new phase would begin, getting her to come to our back door. I have found that most cats love tasty foods that they have never eaten before and I had just the thing. I have always told my wife and anybody else that would listen that I am smarter than a cat.
My wife likes all organic and natural foods and she had a fresh container of all natural Vanilla Yogurt.

I was in charge now, no cat is going to put anything over on me, I told my wife to mix a little warm milk with the yogurt, then go to the door and get the cats attention, then place the bowl about ten feet from the house and come back inside and close the door.
Sure enough, after ten minutes or so she came slinking out from under a big Lilac Bush.
She was still a wild cat, she didn’t like being out in the open, after all, how did she know that we didn’t have a couple of Coyotes in our kitchen that we might turn loose at any moment.
With one eye on us and the other scanning the back yard she lapped up the yogurt and milk as fast as she could. When she finished, she made a beeline for the deep woods, this was round number one, and I was the winner.

Over a week went by after this first feeding without seeing her again. It was October now and the weather was cold and damp, my wife had stopped sitting out of doors but this smart little cat knew exactly where we were.
Each morning as I made my coffee I would glance out the glass kitchen door that gave us a view of the whole back yard, why was I doing this, did this cat have control over me already?
Sure enough, one morning as I looked at the lilac bush, there deep in the shadows I could make out the two little yellow eyes, they seemed to be staring right through me. I shouted to my wife “get the yogurt out, round two is coming up and I will win”.

Her visits to our back door were more frequent now, two or three times a week. She wasn’t used to me yet so I would have my wife put out the yogurt, but I was running this show, this cat didn’t know it yet but some day this winter she would be under my control and sitting in my living room with me watching TV.
I was in complete charge now and I instructed my wife to keep placing the bowl of warm yogurt closer and closer to our back door. I watched with satisfaction and pride each day as the results of my superior intelligence over this cat unfolded.

Snow was on the way, one cold November morning when Blackie was sitting under the lilac bush waiting for her hand out I made the decision that it was time for me to demonstrate again to her that I was far more intelligent than any cat.
After my wife had prepared the yogurt I instructed her to place the dish inside the kitchen, about six feet in from the back door, I then told her to move back several steps but close enough to reach the bowl.
I positioned myself behind the open door; my wife then called the cat and lifted the bowl to show her that the yogurt was waiting for her.
Very cautiously, she approached the door, eyes darting from side to side, she did not like this at all but the thought of that warm yogurt and the fact that she now trusted my wife led her on.

She was in, I won again, I waited a few seconds to let her lap up some yogurt then sprung my trap, “I simply closed the door”.

It took a few seconds for her to realize what happened, then it hit her, the escape route was gone. I told my wife that we both should go into the other room and leave her; I did not want her to panic and start climbing the walls.
We stayed perfectly still and watched as she slowly went over the whole kitchen smelling every thing and constantly looking for danger.
The yogurt was forgotten, what she wanted now was out. I waited maybe ten minutes or so then I slowly went to the door, she cowered but didn’t run as I came closer, when I opened the door she shot out like a rocket racing for the safety of the forest. We didn’t see her again for a week or more. I could wait, I was smarter than she was, or so I thought and I had the yogurt.

The first snow of the winter was upon us and it was coming down hard. I love snow, one of the things I miss most since my legs have started to fail me is getting dressed and prowling around the woods with a dog in a good old fashioned New England snow storm, but I have the memories for I did it many, many times in the past.

By eleven thirty that evening there was about five inches of snow on the ground, each night before going to bed I would go to the back door, put the outdoor light on, and look around.
The whole yard was a blanket of fresh white wind blown snow and it was very cold and still snowing hard. I turned the light off and headed for bed.

I am a firm believer that cats can read your mind, hypnotize you and put you under their control if you let them, no damn cat was going to do this to me.

I walked out of the kitchen into the living room and for no reason stopped, turned around and went back to the kitchen door and looked out. There in all this white was a lone dark spot about twenty feet from the house. I did not put the floodlight on but instead got a flashlight and shined it on the object. Sure enough, two little glowing eyes appeared staring right at me.
Time to get the yogurt out, I called my wife and told her to get ready I wanted to see if the cat would fall for my trap again. It did not take as long this time, but she came in very slowly, sniffing and glancing from side to side. I didn’t wait for her to start eating, as soon as she cleared the door I shut it.
She didn’t panic or run all over the house, she just hunkered down and remained motionless as much as to say, “if your going to kill me go ahead”. I put the kitchen light out and we went into the other room leaving her alone in the kitchen with her yogurt.
I wasn’t going to bed now, there was a war to be won, man against cat.
Several minutes went by and then in the darkness I could hear the slurp, slurp, slurp of the little tongue lapping up the warm yogurt and milk. I had just won another round.

Now a decision had to be made, I wasn’t prepared for an overnight visit by a cat. I didn’t have a litter box, but it was now midnight and I am an early riser which meant if she stayed in overnight it would only be six or seven hours and I was sure she could handle that and I was very anxious to see the results of my victory over this cat.

She lapped up the remaining yogurt then went over to the back door and started to wash her face, all the while glancing around the room for any sign of danger.
I was the one she kept an eye on, she was starting to completely trust my wife but I was another story.
As I mentioned earlier, animals love foods that they have never had before and I was sure that this cats main diet for the past eight years had been birds and rodents. Well I had a new weapon in this battle of the wits between man and cat. A large piece of “Maine Fried Chicken” with the nice greasy skin still on it.

Cats purr when they are washing their face and as I slowly moved into the kitchen to open the refrigerator, I could hear the little motor going in the darkness.

I turned the light on just before opening the refrigerator door and she froze, she sat perfectly still just staring at me waiting for my next move.
I cut a piece of chicken from one of the breasts and made sure that there was a large piece of skin attached to it. I placed this onto a paper plate and slowly put it in front of her. She didn’t move, she kept staring at me, she still didn’t know me well enough, but the aroma of Cold Fried Chicken got the best of her.
I hurried back into the living room to again watch the results of my superior intelligence.

I thought I was winning this battle but this little black cat with yellow eyes was slowly but surely gaining complete control over me, even when I wasn’t looking at her.

I sat in the darkness and waited for her to finish the chicken. Over a half hour went by, then realizing that there was no immediate danger she came slinking into the living room and very slowly climbed up onto the couch and settled into a corner, she positioned herself so that she would have full view of me. She knew that outside the wind was howling and the snow was blowing.
She remained there all night.

After several weeks she seemed to be right at home with us, I had led myself to believe that I had won this war, but now, this small little animal had complete control over me. When I would glance at the back door she would be just sitting there staring through the glass at me sending her magic message that would say, “get over here and let me in, now”, no matter what I was doing I would stop and run to the door and let her in. If we went shopping or out somewhere for several hours and left her in the house, when we returned, she would be sitting in the big picture window staring at me as I got out of the car with a look that said “get in here and let me out”. I would run into the house to obey her command……Did she win the war??

If you live in a farm house in Maine, you have mice, within two weeks she had completely rid our apartment of all these pesky little rodents, sometimes waking me in the middle of the night in our bedroom with her “chirping” to have me watch her chase and slap these unlucky little animals around our bedroom, she was very proud of her kill.

Blackie lived with us for four years, during those four years she ran the house, demanding to be let out, demanding to be let in. She developed another trick she used on me to make sure I was still under her spell. She would go to the door and sit down, then she would turn her head, look at me and “chirp” this meant that I should immediately run, not walk and let her out, as soon as I opened the door she would walk back into the living room and jump up on her favorite chair and start washing her face. She did this to test me, to make sure, that when she gave the signal, I was to jump. She also did this when she was out doors, she would sit by the glass door, stare in at me and open her mouth, I would obediently jump out of my chair to let her in, when I opened the door she would walk away and vanish into the woods.

My private little war for control between “Man & Cat” was over. I could be shopping in a store fifty miles from home and suddenly say to myself “we better hurry home, the cat may want to go out”. This little cat took complete control over me and she ran the house, she was in charge. If I was sitting in a chair that she had suddenly decided she wanted to lay down in and wash her face, she would sit directly in front of me and just stare at me…I, like some trained idiot, would get up and sit somewhere else…This cat won this war the very first day I let her into the house..She knew it, but it took me four years to realize it.

This little “Black Cat” died in my arms. Whenever we were away from home and Blackie was out she would wait for us in a wooded area across the street from our house. By doing this, she would know exactly when we arrived. Then she would trot across the street chirping and sending me a magic message that said “ where have you been, lets get in that house, I’m Hungry”.

On the day she left us, we had been out shopping and as we parked the car my wife said, “here comes the cat, she looks strange”. I took one look and knew something was very wrong; there was no greeting, no chirping or purring. She was walking very slowly stopping every so often and just staring at me, finally she just crumpled in the driveway.

I walked over to her and picked her up, she was staring right into my eyes with a look that said “fix me” I could feel her little heart pounding, as I carried her up the stairs she tightened and quivered still looking directly into my eyes, she opened her mouth, then her whole body went limp. She was gone.

My wife and I put her into a makeshift “body bag” and took her up into the woods that she loved. We buried her under a large Apple Tree that she often climbed up into when she wanted to survey her little kingdom…

Two years have passed since we buried her in the forest, at times on a cold snowy night I still walk to the back door, put on the flood light and peer through the glass looking for a small black spot in the blowing snow, “Is she still playing tricks on me from somewhere beyond”? “Could be”.

“Every Man Should Own A Cat, At Least Once Before He Dies
Author: Red Burtt

I like Dogs, I have always liked Dogs, I don’t like fleas, I have never liked fleas. I have been married for 58 years; we have owned “Eight Dogs” we have never owned a Flea, Fleas can’t growl or bark when a prowler is slinking around in your yard at 2:15 AM.

Our dogs are all dead, our very first dog after our marriage was a Red Cocker Spaniel named “Penny” if Penny were still alive she would be 57 years of age. You probably won’t believe this but I ran over Penny with a 1935 Buick, she rolled under the car from the radiator to the rear bumper, then she got up, ran in the house, ate two pieces of salami, jumped up onto a chair and went to sleep.

As my children grew older and left home they also “had dogs”, 3 Dobermans, a few mongrels, a Rotwieller 2 yellow Labs and a Shepard.
When I was a young boy we had two dogs, “Mopsy”, a Cairn Terrier and “Pal”, a Doberman.

All dogs go to heaven, so it is said. This short tale about dogs takes place in Heaven, in a spot reserved for Dogs, "my families Dogs".
Of course there is a spot in Heaven for your families Dogs also, I know this for a fact, a Dog told me so.

Gretchen:
A Rotwieler Passes Over To The Other Side:
This past summer in the year 2004 a dog died in Maine, (not unusual, a dog probably died in Arizona this year also) her name was Gretchen; she was a Rotwieller, a great Rotwieller, many people believe that Rotwieller’s are naturally mean and vicious, that is absolute NONSENSE.

If you should happen to run across a Rotwieller that is “mean and vicious” than you have just run across a Rotwieller whose owners are mean and vicious and they have “TRAINED” the dog to be mean and vicious, more than often trained by a “Macho Moron”.

Gretchen was as gentle and timid as a Rabbit; she loved her home, her family and her barn full of kitties. My wife and myself were Gretchen’s grandparents, she used to come racing down the front stairs to greet us when we arrived home, I would yell out, “HEY”, “Grammy & Grampy are home”, Gretchen would put her face in the air and try to talk to me, she did this by giving a “playful howl” something resembling a “fake growl”, as she did this her butt would be shaking from side to side.
Upon hearing my greeting to our “grand dog” my wife would say, “I’m no dogs grandmother”, then when I wasn’t looking my wife would be scratching her ears and having a conversation with her.
Gretchen belonged to my daughter and her husband; she had lived with them since she was a little puppy, “this dog was a small child in a dog’s body” she could give a look that said “I know what your thinking, and you don’t know it but I can understand English”, “I know exactly what you’re talking about” I think we all know our dogs can do this, don’t you?

Well, as with all living things, her time “down here” was coming to a close, her happy summer days of running in the woods with her humans, chasing her kitty’s around in her big barn, and racing through the blowing snow of a “Maine Nor Easter” were now over, she was headed for what we all like to call “Heaven” or the “Hereafter”, Gretchen was about to “leave this life”, and “enter the next”.

It was time for Gretchen to “go home”, doggy heaven, we can only imagine what happens as we will never know for sure until it is time for us to take that journey, is there a tunnel, is there a bright light, is our smiling old Grandmother there waiting with some “home made Apple Pie” and outstretched arms, is there really a “Saint Peter” standing there with a trumpet waiting to “Announce Our Arrival”, who knows, maybe?

Some folks snicker and laugh at the folks that believe there is a “Heaven” a place that we all go to after our “Time Down Here” when they laugh at you they seem almost afraid of thinking you might be right.
Why do we always “look up” and wonder, why did cavemen sit around their campfire millions of years ago at night and “look up”, what do humans look for when they “look up” think about this the next time you “look up”.
Somtime in your life a non-believer will say to you, “how do you know there is a Heaven” you look them right in the eye and say, “how do you know there isn’t”?

I will now try to tell you what I think happened that summer day when Gretchen “Crossed Over”, remember, this is what “I Think”, nobody knows for sure, do they?

It is 5:00 AM up in Doggie Heaven:
Early that morning “up there” in doggy heaven, a “Clan” was gathering, “Our Family Clan”, our Family Dogs that lived with us here on Earth many years ago, tails were wagging, noses were being sniffed, hind legs were being lifted and heavenly trees were being “marked”, excitement was growing, word had just been sent from the “Entrance Area” that another of our family members was on the “way up”.

This group consisted of Two German Shepard’s, several Dobermans, a crazy White Shepard called Max who was constantly raising cain and causing trouble, two Beagles, a Cocker Spaniel, a Cairn Terrier, a couple of mongrels and a small black and white Springer Spaniel mix named “Jasper”.

At this writing there are two more Dogs “down here” that will be making the trip “home” sometime in the future, they are both “Labs” one called “Dakota” lives in Maine, the other named “Cooper” lives in the state of Rhode Island.

It was almost time, everybody was shaking and primping so their fur would look just right, some sat down and scratched behind their ears others lay down and lapped their paws patiently waiting for the word to head for the pearly gate. The white Shepard, “Max” was trying to start some trouble but none of the others would have any part of it, this was a solemn occasion, the new member would be nervous and confused and they didn’t want a lot of growling and snarling going on when the “new one” came through the gate.
Jasper, the Spaniel told Max to “knock it off”, a large Doberman named Saten* curled his lip up and gave Max a dirty look, Max just let his tongue hang out and made believe he didn’t see it.

Well it was time, the whole group now trotted off in the direction of the Pearly Gate, there was a little “bum sniffing” and playful “nips” but not much else, Jasper was leading the pack and trying to look important, the Dobermans were laughing at him, they allowed him to think he was in charge of the clan, they would let him snap at their hind legs and when he started giving orders they just went along with it but there were times that they had to give him a good serious “growl” when he became to bossy.

Down Below, It’s Time To Leave:
Gretchen, the new one that the Clan was getting ready to greet was about to go through a very strange experience, she had been very sick for the last few days and her Humans knew that shortly they would have to say goodbye, there was no hope of her becoming well again.
Early that morning her Humans loaded her into their car and took her for a ride over to what Gretchen called “The Dog Docs”.
They lifted her up onto a big table and laid her gently down, they patted her and scratched behind her ears, it felt good, she closed her eyes relaxed and enjoyed the attention; she loved it when her humans scratched her and played with her ears.

As Gretchen lay there with her eyes closed she was thinking about her barn and her kitties, she hoped she would feel better when she returned home, she wanted to run around on her property and leave her mark, those Coyote’s had to be warned to keep their teeth off her cats. Gretchen just lay still, enjoying the attention her humans were giving her, she was beginning to feel very tired, then suddenly, she felt a little sting, almost like when the “Honey Bee’s” out in the yard at home would bite her and she would turn and snap at them. She could hear her humans, softly talking, she could still feel her human’s hands, patting her, and then, Gretchen drifted off, into a sleep that she would never awaken from. Gretchen had just died.

Somewhere far away in a place in time that we know nothing of, it happened, Gretchen sat up, wide awake, “wow”,
“Hey, what’s going on” Gretchen noticed it immediately, dead silence, her Humans voices were gone, the “Dog Docs” voice was gone, the dogs in the “Dog Docs” waiting room stopped barking, not a sound, but she felt great, she wasn’t sick anymore, she felt like running, but she knew, yes she knew, something was very different, something has changed. Gretchen also noticed that it was pitch black, just like at night when her human would let her out to go to the bathroom, “dark and silent”, “but wow, I feel great” she said to herself.

Energy was pouring back into Gretchen’s body, she felt like “howling and barking” boy it was wonderful, but still, things weren’t right, where were her Humans, why was it so dark and quiet, then, off in the distance she saw it, a little bright speck of light, something started to draw her towards this small white spot, at first she started to trot but she was anxious, she had to get there, fast, now she was racing along at a full gallop, “that’s where her Humans were, up there, by that spot, I just know it”, “they always wait for me”.
“I’ll run up there as fast as I can,” she thought. “I bet they will have one of those doggie treats or my stuffed toy for me” she said to herself, she was feeling stronger and stronger now, she was “dog laughing” she was happy, her tongue was hanging out, she felt like a little puppy, “yahooooooo” she yelled, (she hadn’t yet realized that she really did yell “yahoo”).

As Gretchen was running along towards the “spot” she noticed that she seemed to be in a round tube, it was like one of the long dark places she used to run through out in the woods behind her house, Humans would call this, a “Tunnel”.
The spot was getting bigger and bigger and the light was getting brighter, it was pure white, almost blinding, then suddenly, in the blinking of an eye, the light was gone, she turned and looked behind her, the tube was gone, “that’s strange” she thought, then she looked around at this place, a great open place, with huge fields, green grass, wild flowers, large trees, birds were singing, she sniffed the air, it was beautiful, she had never smelled anything like it before in her life, she looked up, the sky was orange and blue with big puffy snow white clouds.
Gretchen hadn’t felt this happy since her Humans gave her a whole plate full of Roast Turkey.

Something was wrong though, Gretchen sat down in the grass to rest and think for a moment. After that long run through the “Tunnel” her tongue was hanging out and she was panting, she looked all around, there was nobody, where were her Humans, birds were singing but she couldn’t see them, she sniffed again, beautiful grass and tree odors but no Humans, “what will I do”, “maybe if I just sit here and wait my Humans will come”.

The Clan Was Coming:
About two miles away the Clan was headed for the “Gate”, the new arrival should be there by now but they wanted to give the “Gate Master” time to check in the “New One”.
The New One would be very confused, the Clan realized that the Gate Master needed some time to explain to her that she wouldn’t be seeing her Humans for a long time but that she did have a “Clan” that she belonged to and they were on their way to meet her and bring her back to her “Clans Place”.

Well, this particular Clan loved to play, so to kill some time the Clan was running around snapping at each other and chasing their tails. Jasper told them to “act their age”, another Doberman named Thor that Jasper used to play with in the “old world” gave Jasper a “nip on the butt”, Jasper smiled to himself, Jasper always liked Thor,
Jasper and Thor used to chase each other all around the big yard by the river where Thor lived with his humans. The clan was always jabbering, growling, sniffing and snapping at each other but they never fought, there was no fighting up here, when Dogs came to this place they forgot how to fight, they just played, “forever”.

Gretchen Checks In:
On very rare occasions a new arrival would be sent back, a mistake would be made “down there” and they would be sent back through the Tunnel, the Gate Master would check his “Entrance Book” and would discover that this was not “their time”, they would have to return. This also happens with Humans they have a name for it, they call it; “Near Death Experience” when humans try to tell others of this strange happening nobody believes them. When it happens to dogs, they don’t tell anybody, they can’t tell anybody, “Dogs can’t talk”. (Not down there anyway!)

This wasn’t the case with Gretchen though, there was no mistake, Gretchen’s time had come, Gretchen was now in “Doggie Heaven”, and she will be here forever. She doesn’t know it yet but some day she will see her Humans again.

This was all very confusing; Gretchen was just sitting in the grass enjoying the wonderful odors of this place when suddenly as out of nowhere there was a very tall Human standing right in front of her, “where did he come from” she thought.
This was the Gate Master, he had a long white beard, his eyes twinkled, he was carrying a long Golden Staff with a beautiful “Rotwieller Head” engraved on the top. (He had a staff for each breed of Dog he greeted, mongrels included)
The Human was standing not a foot away from her, she thought to herself, “should I growl” “should I bark” “maybe I should bite him” but Gretchen wasn’t a “Biter” she liked Humans, so she said to herself, “I’ll do what I always do, I’ll put my ears back and wag my stub”, sure enough, it worked the Human started smiling, (Gretchen knew what a smile was) humans always did this before they started to play with her ears.
The Human said “Hello Gretchen”, Gretchen tried to wag her stub as hard as she could, she was all-alone, and she could use a friend. The Human then said, you can answer me Gretchen, you can talk with me, and you are in “Doggie Heaven” all dogs can talk here.

Gretchen thought to herself, TALK!! “Did he say I could talk”, “Doggie Heaven? What was that? “I can’t talk, I never could talk, I used to try and talk when I played with my small human”, (Gretchen’s small human was a young girl named Sabrina) “but all I could do was make noises and growl, I used to bark once in awhile, but I could never talk”, “Ha”, “this guy is crazy”. “I want my Humans, I want to go home and chase cats, I feel great, this guy is a nut”.

Now the Tall Human was very serious, he said to Gretchen, “you have to understand where you are, I want you to try as hard as you can to say, “hello”, “now do it”, Gretchen thought he was crazy but she would go along with him, she didn’t want to get him mad at her.
She had everything ready for one of her long howls but in her mind she was thinking of the word “hello”, she let loose, “HELLOOO”, the human smiled, Gretchen had to lie down, her knees were shaking, she had to go to the bathroom, “why it can’t be true” “I thought I heard myself say hello” she said, the human replied, “see, your talking”, “WOW” Gretchen said. She was so excited she started running in circles trying to chase her tail, this never worked though because she didn’t have a tail, she had a stub, she had been chasing her stub all her life but could never catch it.

Then she started, “I can talk, I can talk, my name is Gretchen”, “I live in Maine, it looks like rain”, “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for---,” the tall human laughed and stopped her, you can practice later, we have a busy day ahead, your Clan should be arriving soon to take you back to “your place” so follow me now, “ok human” Gretchen said.
As they walked along down the hill Gretchen couldn’t resist talking again, she yelled as loud as she could, “I can talk, listen to this”, “twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature blah, blah, blah”. The Gate Master shook his head and laughed, “she won’t stop blabbing for a week now” he thought.

Well, there they were, the clan, all lined up, sitting in the grass wagging their tails, some with their tongues hanging out, Jasper was the first to speak, he said, “here they come”. Max said, “no kidding, you think we’re blind”.
The human said, “there’s your Clan Gretchen, up ahead, they are here to greet you”. Gretchen said to herself, “I’m scared, I want to go home, I want my kitties and my barn” the Tall Human knew what Gretchen was thinking, he said, “don’t be afraid, they are your clan, you belong with them”.

The Tall Human stood in front of the seated Clan and raised his golden staff high in the air, when he spoke it echoed throughout all of the heavens, he said, “Clan, this is your newest member, you will guide her, and you will play with her, she is of your family and you will treat her as such, do you understand”.
The Clan all loudly responded in one voice “SURE BOSS”. The human then said, “so be it”, he then turned to Gretchen and said, “Gretchen, this is your Clan, they will approach you one at a time, I will announce each name as they approach you, they will greet you by first sniffing your nose, they then will "shake paws" with you, do not growl, you in turn will do the same, you will sniff each members nose and then shake the paw of each member, you will remember these odors for eternity, these odors are “your clans” no other clan has them" "also, remember this" "Your humans will have this odor as well". "Wherever you wander in the Heavenly Realm you will know a member of “your clan” by this odor". "Now, will you please stand" The tall man said.

The Tall Human turned to the Clan and said “Clan members you may approach as your name is called” and remember, the Tall One said, “no snarling, snapping or growling, do you understand”, the clan again responded in unison, “SURE BOSS”.
“Then let us begin” “approach as your name is called”, Jasper, Muggsy, Mopsy, Thor, Saten*, Dahgo, Ginger, Penny, Rambo, Strider, Teddy, Topsfield, Binky, Pal, Max, a pause, then the human said loudly, “MAX”, the clan was snickering, Saten* leaned over and whispered to Binky, “the jerk must be off chasing a snake or something” then off in the distance a white form was emerging, it was racing toward the group, “hey, here I am, wait a minute” The Tall Human shook his head, he said to himself, “there is no other dog like Max, not even in heaven”. Max made his introduction then went and sat with the rest of the members, Gretchen said to herself, “that Max is kind of cute”.

The Tall man then approached Gretchen, “well” he said, "you are now ready to join your Clan Gretchen", "they will teach you and guide you from here on in” “I have to get back, there is a large group coming in today from one of the “dog pounds” down below". Then the Tall Man did something that astonished and also embarrassed Gretchen, he knelt down on one knee, he sniffed her nose, and then shook her Paw.

Everybody was excited again, it was time to go, Jasper was trying to play Boss, Max was racing in circles. The Dobermans were very professional and dignified; all the others were nipping and sniffing bums, some nuzzled up to Gretchen and lapped her face, Gretchen fluttered her eyelids then she “Dog Blushed”.

As they started to leave the Tall Man turned and said to Gretchen, if you would like you may take one last look at your old home “down below”, Gretchen was surprised and scared, she said, “how, what do you mean” the Tall Man said, “do you see that small circular fence over there” Gretchen looked and said “yes”, “well”, said the man, “if you trot over there, you will see that the fence surrounds a large opening in the clouds, if you look down into the opening you will be able to have one last look at your old home”. The man then said, “you can do this only once, never again will the hole appear over your Humans home”.
For a moment Gretchen forgot she could speak, then she said, “yes I would like to look, but will it make me cry like humans do”? The Tall Man smiled and said, “maybe”.

Gretchen approached the hole and looked over the side, she swallowed, her legs felt weak, and then, “oh, there it is” she said, a large green yard, a big red barn, a white house and there in the middle of all the green was a large square area that Gretchen knew was her Tennis Court, across the yard was a large forest, that was “her woods” where she used to go walking with her humans.
Then she saw it, she started panting, she whimpered, her stub was wagging, way down there beside her tennis court she saw two figures, one was a “man human” and the other was a “lady human with bright yellow hair”, Gretchen screamed to the Tall Man, “there’s my humans”, then she started barking, “can they hear me” she said, “no Gretchen” “they can never hear you again until it is their turn to come home”.

Gretchen noticed that her “Man Human” was holding his long shovel, “he must be planting some flowers she said, he likes flowers” the Tall Man smiled to himself and said nothing, he knew her Human wasn’t planting flowers, her Human had just laid Gretchen to rest, her Humans were standing beside “Gretchen’s Final Resting Place”, Gretchen’s humans had just buried her.

The Tall Man was silent for a few moments as Gretchen looked down, she was softly whimpering, and then he said, “Come Gretchen, it’s time to leave now”.

Gretchen liked the Tall Man, she trotted beside him and gave him a little lap on his hand with her tongue, the tall man patted her head, the tall man understood everything, and he knew Gretchen was a little frightened.

The Clan was waiting a short distance away, The Tall Man stopped and said, “well goodbye Gretchen, it has been good meeting you” Gretchen said “goodbye Human”, she trotted toward the Clan, then she stopped and turned, she said, “hey, Tall Man” the human was standing there smiling, Gretchen said, “what do they call you, do you have a name like my humans did?” the Tall Man replied, “yes”, “they call me Peter”, Gretchen looked and he was gone, vanished into thin air.
Jasper let out a yell, “hey Gretchen, come on, we have to get going” “yeah, yeah OK” Gretchen said, she was getting used to Jasper already.

The Clans Place was about three hours away, (down there time) there is no such thing as time in heaven, just “Now” no before no after. As usual the trip would take awhile, the clan always did a lot of goofing around, growling and wrestling on the way back.
Gretchen was feeling a lot better now, her legs were strong, she felt like running, she said to Max, “boy I feel great, I was sick as a Dog this morning” Max went crazy, he started yelling, “hey did you hear that” “Gretchen said she was sick as a Dog this morning,” ha, ha, ha, “SHE IS A DOG” “she’s a comedian” he bellowed, that one even made the very Stately Dobermans smile, Gretchen was all right, the clan liked her.

Max ran up ahead, Gretchen was about to start running to keep up with him when suddenly she stopped, something made her turn and look back, she had a funny feeling, a sad feeling. Off in the distance from where they had come she could see the little fence where she had looked down on her humans and her (home down there), she wanted to run back and look down again, but she didn’t move, as she stood thinking of her humans, her kitties, her woods and her big green yard a beautiful brightly colored mist fell slowly down covering the fence from Gretchen’s view. Then as quickly as it came, the mist lifted, the fence was gone. Gretchen whimpered once more, she didn’t realize it but she would never be sad again, this would be her last whimper, happiness was forever now, this was Heaven.

Hey this the last time I’m going to tell you, “lets get going”, Gretchen said to her herself, “Jasper again, the Boss”.
They were all running together now, heading for their place, tongues were hanging out, they were cutting each other off and nipping each others tails, boy this was fun, then they did something that amazed Gretchen, she couldn’t believe her ears, they all started singing, “Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day”, Gretchen started laughing, “dogs singing, it can’t be”, Crazy Max came racing up beside her, he was singing in a glorious Irish Tenor voice, then he said, “go ahead, sing, you can do it, all Dogs up here sing” Gretchen put her ears back, she was bashful, she started what she thought was a little hum, then she got louder, soon she was joining right in, you could hear her all over Heaven, “I’ve got a beautiful feeling, everything’s going my way” “wow, I can sing, just like I heard on my humans radio”, she stopped and rolled around in the grass, then she raced to the head of the pack, “hey I’m getting hungry” she yelled, then she thought she would try her joke again, the one that made Max laugh, so she yelled as loud as she could, “you know, I was sick as a Dog this morning” ha, ha, ha, yoweeeeeeeee, boy what a place.

They were all now racing through a huge green field of wild flowers; the air was beautiful, then suddenly off to the side Gretchen saw a sign that read, “Cats To Chase”, Gretchen slowed to a walk, she was puzzled, what did that mean, Mopsy, a little Cairn Terrier came running back and walked along beside her, Gretchen said, “what does that sign mean, Cats To Chase” before Mopsy could answer Gretchen stopped and yelled, “Oh My God”, it suddenly dawned on her, “I can Read”, she said to Mopsy, Mopsy replied, “we’ll explain later”, Gretchen soon forgot the Cat sign, there was to much other stuff to do.

As the Clan came up to the top of a steep hill they all stopped and sat down, Gretchen looked down into the valley, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, large endless green fields, a shimmering blue lake with a bubbling stream running through the valley, birds were singing, butterflies were everywhere, suddenly Thor one of the Dobermans was sitting beside her, he said, “down there is our place, this area of Heaven has been assigned to our Clan, it is ours, forever”. “Wow”, Gretchen said.

“Oh oh” Thor said, “here comes the boss”, Jasper came running up and said, “we sleep up here just like we did when we were down there and it is getting close to that time” there is no time in Dog Heaven, but they say the word time, many times, they say the word time when it is time to do something, sleeping time was approaching.

Gretchen thought to herself, “I’m hungry”, she had no sooner said this when out of nowhere there was a bright shiny dog bowl, right in front of her, “but” she said to Jasper, “it’s empty”, Jasper laughed and said, “close your eyes, think of something you really like, then open your eyes. Gretchen closed her eyes then she had a big picture in her mind, “Roast Turkey With No Bones” she opened her eyes and looked down at her bowl, “WOW” it was full of Turkey and thick brown gravy was dripping over the sides, “Gee, Gosh, Bow Wow” what a place.

The Clan started to settle down, some were scratching, some were yawning and others were biting and cleaning their paws.
Gretchen looked around, “boy that Turkey was good” “I think I’ll close my eyes in the morning and think about some Bacon and Eggs” she said to herself.
Most of the Clan we’re now curled up with their tails wrapped around them and their eyes were closed, it was very quiet now. This was Gretchen’s first night with the Clan and she was a little nervous, she started thinking about her humans and her bed “down there”, she wondered if her humans knew she wasn’t coming home, “what if they were out in the woods calling for her” she thought, “what if the old guy next door that limped was out on his deck blowing his whistle for her”, gee I wish I could yell down to them and tell them that I am “all right”.

Gretchen was very tired now it had been a very long and busy day, she quietly walked over to a spot near Max and the Dobermans, she went around in circles several times in just the right spot, then she lay down, “Oh Oh” she said as she stood up, she felt something strange underneath her body when she was lying down, she looked where she been lying and almost fainted, “YE GODS AND LITTLE FISHES” she yelled, she woke everybody up, Jasper cried out, “now what”, the whole Clan sat up and looked at Gretchen.

Gretchen couldn’t hold it in she started running in circles and then she hollered as loud as she could “HOT DAMN”, one of the clan, a funny looking dog, he had long hair that covered his eyes, he looked like a Sheep, his name was Rambo, he said, “what’s the matter with you, you woke us all up”, “I can’t help it” Gretchen said, “look what I found underneath me when I started to go to sleep”.
The Clan was wide-awake now and they all gathered around Gretchen to see what had caused all the excitement. “Look”, Gretchen yelled, “It’s my stuffed toy”, “Yahooooo” she screamed, then she picked it up in her mouth and raced all over the “sleeping place” howling, and rolling on the ground, Max started singing, “Oh Danny Boy, the pipes the pipes are calling”, the sleeping place was in an uproar, the Dobermans stood up on their hind legs and started dancing, a small Beagle named “Ginger” jumped up the back of a German Shepard named “Binky” and yelled out as loud as she could, “hold it, hold it”, “calm down” she said, “I know what this situation is”, the Clan fell silent, all eyes were now on Ginger, Max stopped singing, the Dobermans stopped dancing.

Suddenly Ginger felt very important, she thought to herself, “I think I’ll milk this for all it’s worth, these Dogs never listen to anything I say now I’ve got them right where I want them”, “ha,”

The Clan was silent, waiting, “what could this shrimp of a Beagle have to say that was so important” thought Pal, Pal was a Doberman and one of the oldest Clan members, coming to “Dog Heaven” long, long ago.

Ginger then sat down on Binky’s back and scratched behind her right ear, she looked at all the Clan Members who were silent now, tongues were hanging out, they were waiting for Ginger to speak.
Ginger turned and nibbled her tail then said, “I know where Gretchen’s toy came from”, the Clan gasped, “the same thing happened to me”, she said “on my first night up here when I lay down, I found my old collar in bed with me” Ginger had them now, you could hear a flea drop, even Max was silent, all eyes were on Ginger, Ginger continued, “I have been told that after you leave Down There, that many, many Humans take our “shells” out in the yard or to “someplace” and they dig a hole and put us in it, they call it “buried”. When some humans do this they very often put things in the hole with us, my humans put my collar in the hole with me, therefore I “Ginger Burtt” am assuming that “Gretchen Numberg” had her “Stuffed Toy” buried with her.

Max went over to Jasper and said “how does this little “Beagle Runt” know all this stuff, Jasper replied, “I don’t know” then Jasper said, did you notice that she said her name was “Ginger Burtt”, “so what” answered Max, “you idiot” said Jasper, “that’s our name too” “Burtt”, don’t you get it? “Well, so what, we’re a Clan that’s probably why were all together” Jasper thought to himself, “gee, maybe Max isn’t as dumb as he acts”.

Jasper walked up to Ginger and said, my last name is Burtt too, they shook paws and then Ginger said, “no kidding” then the Dobermans trotted over and said, “we’re all Burtt’s too” “I’m a Ferguson” Rambo yelled, “I’m a Burtt” said Mopsy. Gretchen was all confused, she was sitting beside her stuffed toy, finally she said, “well, Ginger said I was a Numberg and I heard that name a lot when I was with my humans therefore it must be so”

Max gave a quick scratch behind his ear than said, “I’m sick of all this name stuff, tomorrow is Cat Day and I’m going to get some rest, then he looked at Gretchen and said, “you better get some sleep too”, Gretchen didn’t speak but she thought to herself, “cat day” “I wonder what that means”, “oh well, I’m pooped, I’m going to lie down” she picked her stuffed toy up in her mouth and went over and lay down beside Max, soon all was still, up there in doggie heaven.

Hot Dog, It’s Cat Day:
Jasper was the first one up, it was Dawn and he was raring to go, he jumped up on a rock and started yelling and howling, “wake up, everybody up, it’s Cat Day”, the clan camp slowly came to life, there was yawning and stretching and a few were sitting on their haunches scratching behind their ears. Early in the morning Fire Hydrants suddenly appeared all over “doggie heaven” later in the day they would vanish, Max walked over to one and lifted his leg, he yawned again and said to himself, “I love Cat Day”.

After the clan had thought of all kinds of good things to eat (Gretchen had her bacon and eggs) they all trotted over to the brook and had a drink then they lapped their paws, they went to the bathroom. When all the “waking up” things were finished they gathered in a large circle. Jasper again took over he jumped up on Thor’s back and sat down, a few yawned, Jasper was going to give another of his speeches.
Jasper started, “I will make this very brief” he said, “oh no” Strider a Doberman thought. Jasper said, “today as you all know is cat day” he went on, “for our new member, Gretchen, this will be her first experience with this glorious and exciting event”. Max yelled from the rear of the crowd, “for Dog’s sake make it fast then shut up” the rest of the crowd joined Max by loudly exclaiming, “here here, shut up”
Jasper continued, he looked directly at Gretchen and said, “Gretchen, as you approached the Clans Place you will remember you noticed a sign that read “cats to chase”, well that is where we are going today, we are going to chase cats, the clan erupted in loud cheers, “hooooray, yea, yea, hot damn, yahoooooooo, hot dog”. Gretchen smiled; she didn’t know she smiled though because she couldn’t see her own face. Jasper continued, “The Cats To Chase Place” is reserved for heavenly dogs to enjoy, it is a place to unwind, it is like a “Humans Carnival”, then he looked all around to see if the “Tall Human Called Peter” was looking or listening, Jasper then winked and said “it’s a place we can go and raise hell”, the crowd roared with laughter. Gretchen thought, “gee, we can talk and sing, now they’re all laughing” “this is quite a place”.
Jasper said, “well that’s about it, when we arrive at the gate we will tell you what to do, and remember Gretchen, the Cats love this day too, they have just as much fun as we do”. Off they went, singing, “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling”, what a day.

There it was up ahead, a huge gate, why it must be a hundred feet high, Dogs were everywhere, hundreds of them smiling, singing, laughing and sniffing each other, there were a few refreshment stands set up they were giving away Chewy’s and little baked dog bones. Saten* a Doberman said to Gretchen, “when we enter the gate we will all gather and be sworn in after that the fun begins”, “what fun” “what do you mean” Gretchen asked, “well” Saten* replied “after we are sworn in another gate will open and hundreds of Cats will come out and they will call us names and make fun of us then they will run” “do we let them get away with doing that” Gretchen asked, “no way” Saten* answered, “that’s when the fun begins, we can chase them, all day long, all over this Cat Chasing area, over fences, through the grass under bridges “WOW” Gretchen yelled, “I love chasing cats” “sure you do, all dogs do” Saten* replied, “that’s why we’re here”. “Well, lets go, its time to be sworn in” “OK” Gretchen said.

Hundreds of dogs all lined up and stood at attention, then, out of nowhere appeared a huge Saint Bernard, he had a little Barrel hanging down from his neck, he was the biggest dog Gretchen had ever seen, he was as big as a Horse. The Saint Bernard bellowed “ATTENTION”, all the dogs lined up and were perfectly still, the Saint Bernard then said, “raise your right paw” you will repeat “I DO” after I swear you in, he then said, “Do you solemnly swear that you will not bite, shake, throw or try to kill (they are already dead) any cat that you might catch, hundreds of dog voices replied “I DO”. The Saint Bernard then smiled and said, “LET THE CHASE BEGIN”

Across from where the clan was seated the “Cat Gate” opened, Gretchen couldn’t believe her eyes, it was the most glorious sight she had ever seen, thousands of cats, they were all laughing and yowling, they were making fun of the dogs, some were sticking their “middle claw” up at the dogs, one old scraggly looking Tom Cat stood out in front of the crowd, he stuck up his middle claw as he did he turned so his butt faced the dogs then he “Squirted” in the dogs direction, the “Cat Crowd” went wild they yelled and howled, that did it, the big Saint Bernard roared “Go Get Em”, the chase was on.

All day they “chased”, they sang, they stopped at beautiful bubbling brooks for a cool drink, some stopped and thought of “Canned Dog Food”, they ate, others thought of “Chicken Wings” with no bones, Gretchen stopped and thought of her favorite, “a big turkey dinner with gravy” as she gulped it down she thought for a moment of her humans, but she soon forgot, this was no time to be sad, Gretchen was having the time of her life, suddenly Max came flying by, he was singing one of his Irish songs and he was hot on the tail of a big white fluffy Tom Cat, this was one of the greatest days Gretchen had ever had, this truly was, Heaven.

Well, nothing is forever (except heaven) the Clan was starting to drift back to the Gate, they were panting and their tongues were hanging out, some of the Cats were returning, they were going into their Gate, many were laughing and Meowing, a few turned and smiled at the Clan and one or two laughed and gave the clan the “middle claw”.
Gretchen lay down beside Rambo and said, “well, what now” Gretchen felt right at home with her Clan now, she knew she belonged, they were her family, she had never used the word “Love” before but it just came out as she thought to herself, “I Love These Guys” “My Clan”.
Rambo told Gretchen that they would just lie around for a while and rest then they would head back to “their place”. That was fine for Gretchen, she was really tired, after all she was “sick as a dog yesterday” She smiled at that one.

A few humans gathered around at the Gates and were patting some of the dogs, some were holding Cats in their arms, the Cats were purring, the dogs were wagging their tails, this puzzled Gretchen, she asked Rambo about this and Rambo told her that some of the humans had come to pick up their pets, these humans were “new arrivals” in heaven and they were getting re-acquainted with each other. “Will my humans come to me like that when they arrive in heaven” Gretchen asked, “yes” replied Rambo, if they love you they will always come looking for you and you will be with them forever and ever. Gretchen thought for a while then said, “Gee”.

Saten* a Doberman came up to them all excited and called all the Clan together, they knew something was going on, Saten* was nervous and looking all around, she then said, “look over there” “do you see that lady human with black hair over there by the Cat Gate wearing those things humans call eye-glasses” and there is a big tall Man Human with her, the Clan all said “yeah” “well” Saten* said, I just walked by her up close I wanted to give her cat one more growl and then it happened, Saten* took a deep breath and paused, Jasper yelled out “for dogs sake, what happened” Saten* was to nervous to go on, he turned to Thor and said “you tell them, you know what happened”.
Thor stood up and said, “well as we passed those two humans we were amazed, we were shocked” he went on, “we actually picked up Our Clans Scent”, the Clan gasped, “what” yelled Ginger, “how could that be” “we have to find out” said Topsfield.
While all this was going on, Mopsy, one of the oldest members of the clan had been closely watching the “Lady Human” Mopsy slowly walked over to the only Clan member who might remember what Mopsy suspected, Pal the oldest member of the Clan, Pal was a Doberman who had been in doggie heaven longer than anyone could recall.

“Well Pal, what do you think”, Pal smiled and said, “yes that’s her” “I thought so said Mopsy”, “shall we go over and say hi”, “of course”, Pal replied, “I bet she will be glad to see us”
Jasper was all mixed up, what was going on, these two old dogs knew something he didn’t and he didn’t like that one bit.

Mopsy and Pal trotted over to the Lady Human, she saw them coming, she looked surprised and then she smiled, “hello Mopsy”, “hello Pal”, they said “hi”, then they lapped her hands and wagged their tails, she scratched their ears and patted them, she pointed to the Man Human then said “we are new arrivals”, “I am with all my kitty’s again” several cats were rubbing up against her legs and purring, Pal said “we were chasing your cats today, I hope you don’t mind” “oh no” she replied, they told me all about it and about all the fun they have running away from you.
Mopsy, Pal and the Humans talked for a while then agreed that they would all meet at the next “Cat Chasing Day”.

Jasper was getting jealous so he said “come on lets go, it’s getting late”, the Lady Human smiled at the little Spaniel and then said, “hi what’s your name” Jasper “dog blushed” and said “my name is Jasper”, then Jasper thought of something very important, he said to Pal, “did you ask her how she happens to have our Clans scent”, Pal replied, “I didn’t have to, she is of our Clan, she is one of our Humans”. Jasper was shocked, they started to walk away, Jasper let Mopsy and Pal go on then he turned and walked back to the Lady Human and the Big Tall Man Human, Jasper said, “you are of our Clan what are you called, do have a name like my human had”, the lady human smiled again and said, “yes I do, and I know your Human very well, I called him Hardy”, she then said, “My Name Is Hazel And This Is My Husband, Ronald”.

Gretchen sat down in the green grass and watched as The Clan disappeared into the valley, for a very brief instant she thought of her Lady Human her Man Human and of her Small Human, she remembered playing in the snow and running on a place her humans called a “Beach”, she thought of her barn and the rides in her humans car, then in an instant it was gone, never to be thought of again, she stood up and started running after The Clan, “hey, wait for me” she shouted, then she yelled at the top of her voice, “YAHOOOOOO”.
Gretchen Was Home, Forever.

THE NEW MEMBER (DAKOTA FERGUSON)
February 2, 2015
Greeting Gate.
"Hello, welcome to Dog heaven, may I have your name please"
"Hi woof woof, my name is Dakota Ferguson"
"OK let me check my arrival book, oh yes here you are, your
Clan has been expecting you, they are all right over that hill
then go right down in the Valley"
"wow this place is great, I wish all my humans could see this"
"they will Dakota, some day"
"how will my Clan know who I am"
"they will first smell your nose, then they will sniff your bum"
"ok, thanks, boy I feel good, I'm not gonna lay around anymore
I belong to a Clan, we're gonna do some running and playing
whoopeeeeeee"

I think,
Heaven Is A Place Where Your Father Is A Small Boy
You can eat all the Chinese food you want (free)
And Your Dog Can Talk.

*Saten, as spelled by the dogs Master.

Author: Red Burtt.